all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
