i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
