so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You're like the curious george of whores
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
