cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
