I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
