when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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