WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
