Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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