Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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