I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
