erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
