Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
