At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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