you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
