Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
