i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
