Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
