Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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