Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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