Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
