Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
