call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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