we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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