youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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