Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
