I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
