I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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