My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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