I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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