i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
