Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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