There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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