I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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