i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
3 2 1 whiskey
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
