last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
