woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
