So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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