I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
