So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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