It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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