I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
