my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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