i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
