Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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