Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
