Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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