so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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