I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
