It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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