My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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